ImGoingToSeeSlipknot's Xanga

I'm getting out of Hell

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 21:33:25 GMT

Well, my husband and I decided that we're going to go back down to Atlanta in the spring. I can't wait...that would mean I get away from Brian the shithead. I'm also pregnant

What is more damaging to the soul?

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 02:35:06 GMT

I hurt myself today
To see if i still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But i remember everything
What have i become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone i know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of s**t
On my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have i become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone i know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If i could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
Nine inch nails or other people?

Letter to my brother in law

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 13:48:46 GMT

Dear Brian,

I hate you like the fire of a thousand suns......I wish you would do the world a favor and kill yourself.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 15:34:08 GMT

Well....I woke up this morning to Slayer's Disciple....one of the songs from the album I bought 8 years ago today...God Hates Us All. Isn't it Ironic...don't you think?

A Double Standard?

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 18:54:42 GMT

As I was watching the news last night, I saw how many schools in the Pittsburgh area didn't even show Obama's speach....and many kids were kept home from school yesterday because their parents didn't want them seeing it. I admit I'm no fan of Obama, though I hated Bush as well. But if people did that while Bush was in office, they would have been called Anti-American, Traitors, or worse. Hell I was called an "America hating liberal" over a shirt that I got from Megadeth's fan club that says "Dave Mustaine for President". Some guy stopped me as I was leaving Starbucks to scream in my face "BUSH IS PRESIDENT, GET OVER IT!". I wonder how retarted he felt when I told him I got the shirt from joining Megadeth's fan club and that Dave Mustaine was the lead singer of the band. And people wonder why I hate both sides and choose to be Independant. I don't care if a politician has a D or an R next to their name, I don't trust them period.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 18:49:58 GMT

What the hell is up with the Snuggie?! It's a backwards robe, people actually spend money to buy these things? I can think of better things to spend my money on. Like the next Slayer concert(good friendly violent fun).

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 14:55:29 GMT

I have a few new cds to look forward to in the next couple of months. Megadeth's new album is coming out the 15th of this month and Slayer's new one is on Nov. 3rd...Same day as my dad's birthday. Maybe I'll send him a copy. Emily told me to join Facebook and I finally got around to doing it yesterday. Since I got my site up, my dad joins...then Gina. I'm having a lot of fun with it. I talked to my aunt last night. I haven't heard from her since I graduated Youth Challenge and we went to Disney's Blizzard Beach that summer. I also have my cousin Katie on it. I found out she's going to UF in Gainsville, Fl.. Emily popped up last night and I got to see pictures of my nephew Ryder. Life is definately good.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 15:01:56 GMT

Well it's been a very long time since I've updated my blog, so I'll sum it up. First off, I quit drinking back in the beginning of July and have no desire to go back to doing it like I was. That first week was hell, and I don't want to go through that again, now I feel great. Delbert and I went to Mayhem Fest August 1st and saw Slayer for the 10th time. We also saw Marilyn Manson. I was right up against the stage for his show and could actually make eye contact with him several times...which was interesting. He actually had eyebrows. So we had a lot of fun and now we're working on saving up money so we can go down to Atlanta and visit my parents for Christmas. I did get a new iPod, though. This thing is amazing, not only does it hold 5 times as many songs as my old one did, it also can hold music videos. Now I don't even have to look at Brian, let alone hear him, all I have to do is watch a music video and it's like he isn't even there. I should probably elaborate on that last one...Since I quit drinking, I have gotten tired of Brian's verbal abuse and see him for what he really is. I wear my iPod around him so I don't have to deal with him. Actually I've noticed a lot since I quit drinking...I have better self esteem, I remember things easier, I have more energy, and I sleep better at night. I also got my appetite back and can eat without feeling sick to my stomach...though I've gained 15lbs. I think it's because I've been eating too many Twix bars. The best part is I don't wake up dehydrated or with a headache anymore....not to mention I actually remember what I did the previous night. No more embarrasing moments. In the coming weeks, I do plan on taking my doctor's advice and going to AA to try to connect with people that are going through the same thing as me, she said that Brian is unhealthy for me in regards to stress. I think I'll have to agree with that one. We've had to change our deadbolt on our door and even remove the lock from the doorknob because he won't quit locking it. We think he's just trying to be an asshole or start a fight....or both. But anyway, Whatever the case....

Trevor is getting huge, he's already up past my chest. We tried to get him into Pre-K and even Kindergarden.... That didn't work out. For one, we make too much for Head start and Pre K is too expensive....Kindergarden is another story. Trev has to be 5 going in and he won't be until Oct. 29th. So we're just going to homeschool for Pre-K and get him started in Kindergarden next year. No big deal. Anyway, I'll add more later, gotta run.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 04:16:21 GMT

We took my son to see Santa on Christmas Eve and had a blas, our holidays were awesme

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 05:19:41 GMT

I've been recently looking at my choice in tattoos, My Megadeth tattoo on my upper right Arm, my Sephiroth Tattoo on my left shoulderblade and now my tattoo on the left side of my stomach. I Got that one on a whim when I was in military school, when I turned 18, but never stood back and looked at the meaning. At the time, I was into Marilyn Manson, my parents hated him and blamed him for everything I did...when in reality it was me, he was just a voice that made me feel like I wasn't alone. The more I learn about Buddhism, the more I realize how much that tattoo's meaning really is. The tatoo is a Shock symbol you find on the back of all electrical devices, with the phrase "I am nothing I am forever" going around the circle around the lightning bolt.

I didn't know at the time but I was putting an ancient Buddhist belief on me. The idea that we are nothing, we make ourselves and are judged by our deeds in life and also by our misdeeds. We are forever, we are in charge of our own destiny. We can choose who we want to be. We can choose like I did to live in hell or to rise above it. we can choose to live in agony or live a life of charity and helping those less fortunate. I said in a chatroom that despite the fact I'm poor, I would probably volunteer this holiday season and was told not to, that I needed to be paid. It really made me think....Where is the honor in that?. The idea of Karma is to do good in life, to help others and not demand anything in return.

The idea that life is suffering in some way is central to the Buddhist Sutra, It is us to decide if we are going to sit back like goths and say "oh I'm so tragic, I don't desere to live" or if we are going to fight against it and "tell them, I know they were doing it to you, but don't try doin it to me". Will we give in and lay around waiting for death, or will we make something for ourselves and have something that people will remember us when death comes?

It's up to all of us to decide.